A lot of us find ourselves in the hailstorm of relationships everywhere. Watching our close friends (and everybody else for that matter) get themselves into seemingly perfect unions, we find ourselves in repetitive spirals of self-doubt and insecurity. It thus too often becomes a concern that, when the opportunity comes knocking, we would reserve no right mind, or luxury, to turn the other party down.
What would make it the right decision to enter into a serious relationship now, and what would separate it from something made entirely out of loneliness? Here are a couple of points to mull over in the meantime.
1. The Motive
When you're thinking about forming any kind of relationship with anybody, it is important to clearly understand the 'whys', or the drive, behind your ultimate decision.
Do you want the guy or girl at hand, or do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend in general?
Are you doing this to prove a point to somebody? Are you doing this to get over somebody else?
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| When Jensen Ackles thinks |
Think long and hard about it. Everybody knows that a relationship takes two hands to clap, so if one party is really doing this for his or herself then everybody involved would be hurt in the long run.
Take a step back to evaluate the priorities. It is alright to be unprepared for commitment. Treat yourself right, and give yourself the necessary time to adjust. The worst thing to do is to force yourself to be or do something that you just aren't comfortable with, especially if you simply do not want to disappoint the other person.
2. Do you feel the urge to change anything about your partner?
"He's so loud, but that's okay because it'd just have to change once he gets together with me."
Getting into a serious relationship with a mentality like that is poisonous. You have to like him or her for who they are, not what they could be. Know clearly what you are getting into and decide if you are truly okay with them as a person, and as a life-long partner, because once you do, it is no longer your place to leave the person as and when you feel like it.
Getting into a serious relationship with a mentality like that is poisonous. You have to like him or her for who they are, not what they could be. Know clearly what you are getting into and decide if you are truly okay with them as a person, and as a life-long partner, because once you do, it is no longer your place to leave the person as and when you feel like it.
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| "Grease - Sandy's transformation" |
3. The 'Potentials' you have now.
Well, remember that getting into a steady relationship cuts off all other opportunities in the field for both of you.
This point of consideration sounds a little mean, (and, frankly, narcissistic) but let's admit it - it does usually affect how one feels about any relationship. And if it affects one a little too much, it could also just mean that the other party at hand simply isn't the one that will be truly wanted in the long run.
Do not pick anybody because they are 'the next best thing'. This isn't fair to them, no matter how much they seem to like you anyway, and it certainly isn't fair to yourself.
To quote a monologue from Emma Morley's segment in 'One Day':
'I love him, she thought, I'm just not in love with him and also I don't love him. I've tried, I've strained to love him but I can't. I am building a life with a man I don't love, and I don't know what to do about it.'
This is one of the worst situations anybody could ever land themselves in. There's always that phrase, to 'be with somebody that loves you more than you love them', but is that really what everybody should do with their lives? To settle down because, well, what are the chances you would find somebody you care about, as much as they do you?
As they say, if one party is able to fall in love with two different people, then it would always be the safer option to pick the second one. If you were in love with the first, then you would never have other, and this is almost always true.
Do not pick anybody because they are 'the next best thing'. This isn't fair to them, no matter how much they seem to like you anyway, and it certainly isn't fair to yourself.
To quote a monologue from Emma Morley's segment in 'One Day':
'I love him, she thought, I'm just not in love with him and also I don't love him. I've tried, I've strained to love him but I can't. I am building a life with a man I don't love, and I don't know what to do about it.'
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| Emma Morley & Ian Whitehead |
This is one of the worst situations anybody could ever land themselves in. There's always that phrase, to 'be with somebody that loves you more than you love them', but is that really what everybody should do with their lives? To settle down because, well, what are the chances you would find somebody you care about, as much as they do you?
As they say, if one party is able to fall in love with two different people, then it would always be the safer option to pick the second one. If you were in love with the first, then you would never have other, and this is almost always true.
Know this and handle it well, unless you simply plan on having an 'open relationship' at the point of life at hand. But remember that this is really only fair if the other parties feel the same way!
4. Are you using the relationship to validate yourself?
Security.
We find ourselves looking for ways to validate our self worth and importance many times in our lives.
Sometimes, that competitive gene kicks in, and that nasty little thought just gets under your skin.
"How is it possible for her to have someone while I don't?"
If a thought like that is the sole drive to getting into the relationship then, well, don't.
Sometimes, that competitive gene kicks in, and that nasty little thought just gets under your skin.
"How is it possible for her to have someone while I don't?"
If a thought like that is the sole drive to getting into the relationship then, well, don't.
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| New Girl's Jessica White wisdom. |
5. Space on your Plate.
A relationship is going to mean some texting, meet-ups and genuine relationship-y stuff. You can't go into a relationship expecting him or her to give you 'space' all the time because that would just defeat the purpose of it.
If you are about to undergo a major career upheaval, or enter a particularly stressful time loaded with tests and extra curricular commitments, it might be wise to think carefully about the pro's and con's here.
Yes, the other party would undoubtedly have to be able to be there for you at the down points in your life, but is a trying period really the best time to start a relationship?
Sometimes, stretching yourself too thin to please other people can do nasty things to your subconscious. Sometimes it might even become an unfortunate belief that maybe they're the reason you're feeling so worn out too.
Give yourself the slack that you require. If the relationship stands to give you more stress than relief, it might not be the right way or time to start barreling right into it.
If you are about to undergo a major career upheaval, or enter a particularly stressful time loaded with tests and extra curricular commitments, it might be wise to think carefully about the pro's and con's here.
Yes, the other party would undoubtedly have to be able to be there for you at the down points in your life, but is a trying period really the best time to start a relationship?
Sometimes, stretching yourself too thin to please other people can do nasty things to your subconscious. Sometimes it might even become an unfortunate belief that maybe they're the reason you're feeling so worn out too.
Give yourself the slack that you require. If the relationship stands to give you more stress than relief, it might not be the right way or time to start barreling right into it.
6. What do your friends/ family think? Can you honestly withstand their influence?
We try not to admit it to ourselves, but in all honesty: the opinions of our close friends and family (and even enemies) definitely have an impact on how we think.
Of course, certain people might be immune to this totally, and might possess an iron will and whatnot. But how many times can an average person hear negative affirmation before they start to doubt themselves, and the person that they are with?
It is not a measure of mettle, it just happens to be an unfortunate reality of thought. And plus, sometimes it is probably worth admitting to ourselves that our family and friends should usually only have our best interests at heart.
Of course, certain people might be immune to this totally, and might possess an iron will and whatnot. But how many times can an average person hear negative affirmation before they start to doubt themselves, and the person that they are with?
It is not a measure of mettle, it just happens to be an unfortunate reality of thought. And plus, sometimes it is probably worth admitting to ourselves that our family and friends should usually only have our best interests at heart.
7. The mentality regarding general attraction.
Let's be honest here. Really honest.
Are you the type of guy or girl that goes crazy obsessive about an attractive person, and then immediately lose interest after a couple of weeks/ months? Are you usually in love with at least four people at the same time?
Infatuation is always all-consuming and delightful, but it just simply won't be enough to sustain a healthy, long-term relationship.
8. The first priority.
This does not usually happen if you're the first on his or her list. To be in a relationship is to be in each other's top priority lists. To do otherwise would be shortchanging one, or even both parties.
9. Can you handle his or her social life, outside of you?
If your partner is a generally popular person, he or she is definitely going to have some 'potentials' in their friend zone. These people obviously mean nothing to them (in that way), because they're willing to go into this with you now, but how capable are you at stomaching the very-human suspicion and jealousy?
Popularity means that your other half is going to have a bunch of friends of the other sex. Even more than average. Are you going to be able to handle that?
Get your attitude in check before you go into it. You can't make it final, and then demand he or she to stop mixing with everybody else in their life. Bring it up beforehand if you must, but never make the other person feel cornered, or worse - obligated.
10. Is he or she even serious about it?
Lastly, we arrive at the singular, most important variable of this whole conversation.
If he or she happens to be the type that is always blowing hot and cold, and being downright indecisive all the time, it just might not be a good idea to get into a steady relationship with them.
Do not allow your affections to be a waste of time and effort on both ends. Ascertain the other person's perception, and tread the clearer waters carefully.
At the end of the day, you need to protect yourself as well, and rushing into anything without knowing how the other feels about it is a lot like emotional suicide.
In all honesty, getting into a relationship is simple. Keep it old-school. There shouldn't be any open-relationships or unpleasantness of that sort in a real relationship.
Be the best friend for them that you would want for yourself, and leave enough breathing room for the both of you to miss each other from time to time. Keep up your own social circle outside of him or her, and never be the one to stay if you always feel like the second option.
All the best, and thank you for your time! :)
Photo credits: flix66.com, tvrecappersanonymous.wordpress.com, visualhollywood.com, bdue.com, queteko.com, miii.net, oischieghe.wordpress.com, http://replygif.net/311
Do not allow your affections to be a waste of time and effort on both ends. Ascertain the other person's perception, and tread the clearer waters carefully.
At the end of the day, you need to protect yourself as well, and rushing into anything without knowing how the other feels about it is a lot like emotional suicide.
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| "One Day", falling for your best friend. |
In all honesty, getting into a relationship is simple. Keep it old-school. There shouldn't be any open-relationships or unpleasantness of that sort in a real relationship.
Be the best friend for them that you would want for yourself, and leave enough breathing room for the both of you to miss each other from time to time. Keep up your own social circle outside of him or her, and never be the one to stay if you always feel like the second option.
All the best, and thank you for your time! :)
Photo credits: flix66.com, tvrecappersanonymous.wordpress.com, visualhollywood.com, bdue.com, queteko.com, miii.net, oischieghe.wordpress.com, http://replygif.net/311
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